{"id":865,"date":"2015-08-21T10:17:44","date_gmt":"2015-08-21T17:17:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/?page_id=865"},"modified":"2016-07-29T10:53:11","modified_gmt":"2016-07-29T17:53:11","slug":"martini-jokes","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/?page_id=865","title":{"rendered":"Martini Jokes"},"content":{"rendered":"

A man sits down at the bar in the RMS Queen Mary on its way from England to the US.\u00a0 He asks the bartender for a very dry Martini.\u00a0 The bartender responds, “Sir, we make the driest martini here on the Queen Mary”.\u00a0 The man looks a bit unsure and asks, “How do you know that you have the driest Martini?”\u00a0 The bartender replies, “Well half way through the voyage we will pass the SS United States.\u00a0 When we do that I go to the top deck with our bottle of Vermouth and the United States Bartender goes to the top of his deck with his bottle and we salute Italy”.<\/em><\/p>\n

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. \u00a0After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”<\/em><\/p>\n

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar.
\n“What can I get you?” says the barman
\n“I’d like a Martinum please.”
\n“Do you mean a martini?”
\n“If I want a fucking double I’ll ask.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
\nThe barman says, “Olive or Twist?”<\/em><\/p>\n

My wife said I needed to bond with my son.
\nSo I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred<\/em><\/p>\n

There once was a fellow McSweeney,
\nWho spilled some gin on his weenie,
\nJust to be couth,
\nHe added vermouth,
\nThen slipped his girlfriend a martini<\/em><\/p>\n

I was watching my son act like James Bond in the garden earlier today.
\nHe wasn’t going round pretending to shoot people, he was sipping martini’s and chatting up all the ladies that walked by.
\nI’m so proud of him.<\/em><\/p>\n

A man walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives the Irishman started to leave. The bartender asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Not a Martini joke, but amusing anyway:<\/span><\/p>\n

A Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers, and says, \u201cFive Beers, Please.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A man sits down at the bar in the RMS Queen Mary on its way from England to the US.\u00a0 He asks the bartender for a very dry Martini.\u00a0 The bartender responds, “Sir, we make the driest martini here on … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":3,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/?page_id=365","url_meta":{"origin":865,"position":0},"title":"Martini Quotes","author":"wlmoon58","date":"May 19, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"SPECIFICALLY GIN OR MARTINI QUOTES! \u201cI don\u2019t get cast as the guy who steps off a yacht in a white linen suite with a Martini\u201d. Martin Freeman (aka Bilbo Baggins) \u201cIf you told me to write a love song tonight, I'd have a lot of trouble.\u00a0 But if you tell\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 6 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 6 comments","link":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/?page_id=365#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":308,"url":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/?page_id=308","url_meta":{"origin":865,"position":1},"title":"Past Bar Reviews","author":"wlmoon58","date":"May 5, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Rating\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Bar, Location\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Gin Selection Grade) ................21 Oceanfront, Newport Beach, CA .................71Above, Los Angeles, CA\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (A+) .................86 West, Doylestown, PA \u00a0\u00a0 (C) ..................Barclay Prime, Philadelphia, PA ..................Bistango, Irvine, CA \u00a0\u00a0 (A-) ..................Bonefish Grill, Langhorne, PA \u00a0\u00a0 (C) ............The Cat and the Custard Cup, La Habra, CA \u00a0\u00a0 (B+) ...............Cafe Fiore,\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/865"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=865"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/865\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1635,"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/865\/revisions\/1635"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/shakennotstirred.us\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=865"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}