Martini Jokes

A man sits down at the bar in the RMS Queen Mary on its way from England to the US.  He asks the bartender for a very dry Martini.  The bartender responds, “Sir, we make the driest martini here on the Queen Mary”.  The man looks a bit unsure and asks, “How do you know that you have the driest Martini?”  The bartender replies, “Well half way through the voyage we will pass the SS United States.  When we do that I go to the top deck with our bottle of Vermouth and the United States Bartender goes to the top of his deck with his bottle and we salute Italy”.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.  After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.      The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar.
“What can I get you?” says the barman
“I’d like a Martinum please.”
“Do you mean a martini?”
“If I want a fucking double I’ll ask.”

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The barman says, “Olive or Twist?”

My wife said I needed to bond with my son.
So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred

There once was a fellow McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie,
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

I was watching my son act like James Bond in the garden earlier today.
He wasn’t going round pretending to shoot people, he was sipping martini’s and chatting up all the ladies that walked by.
I’m so proud of him.

A man walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives the Irishman started to leave. The bartender asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.


Not a Martini joke, but amusing anyway:

A Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers, and says, “Five Beers, Please.”


Martini Jokes — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: New Page: Martini Jokes | The Guide to the Perfect Martini

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